In memoriam: Gemoy
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| See you when I see you |
It hurts just thinking that she would not be able to come back home. It is just 10 months away yet the truth of living for another year drives her sad. She’s mad about everything. The fact does not follow her plan. Life is as miserable as before. Well, it does not mean she regrets it… she is still grateful for everything. But people surrounding her let her down. Or maybe she was just overthinking?
Under the shade of trees, close to the Student Union does she cry. Her life is never this empty, her laugh is bitter, her eyes are full of tears. Thinking back to her life a year before, her day filled with joy. Her fur babies were her strength. Any obstacle was overcome. “I wanna live with you wherever I go” she once whispered to them. “Would you wait for me? I will be back, getting a better future, and live happily ever after. Does that sound good?” but one soul left a few months ago — for good. She will not see it again. And the fact that she was not there when it went, hurting her soul and mind. Now she’s crazier than ever. Cursing the hard life, wishing to be not born at all. People say she is just mourning — “She’ll be fine in no time”. No, she was hurt and will never recover.
Her eyes hurt from tears. She just wanna be back. Is there a genie to grant a wish? Now she’s really crazy hallucinating. It is there… it is there… under a pile of money. Money to buy the fastest flight ticket to homeland. But wait, she has no money. That’s why she cries. Life is hard for a low peasant like her. All she can do is just to wait. Wait for her wish to come true.
— Tucson, May 22, ‘22
Gemoy, I decided to go home!
Gemoy, do you still remember what I wrote months ago? That I missed you so much and I could not sleep safe and sound? Gemoy, finally I decided to go home, to meet you and our family. I am being blessed, Moy. I chose mental health over money. I will get a job soon and save money for later. But now my mental state is more important. I finally meet you my Moy Moy.
I remember when I lost you, Moy. At that time my mom broke the news, saying you were gone for good. I could not hold my tears. It was in January, I even hadn’t been 100% into the study, but you were leaving me. Do you know how hurt I was? Then my semester was finally over and I was crying again ‘cause I did know what I would do in the next three months. Being jobless activated my mental breakdown and I begged to come home. But I was capricious till something urged me to come back home.
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| I'm so sorry I could not be by your side |
Translate:
January 10, 2022
"This afternoon the cat was sleeping but moving from place to place; to the box, to the bed, to the motorbike, to the table, but he did not want to eat. I bought him food at Pamela but he still didn’t want to. At 16.00 he was sleeping near the well, I moved him and wiped him. Not long after he was cramping then be still. I was waiting for 30 min. His breath stopped and now I haven’t buried him. His body is still warm."
Moy Moy, I just want to let you know that I don’t regret anything to come here. My time is worth-it and I can’t wait to step on this land again. It is still months later, but I have made up my mind. There’s nothing holding me back.
Moy Moy, now I am beside you. Mom said you were laid down somewhere here. I don’t know your exact coordinate, but I know you were here, watching me smiling at you. Gemoy, I am so sorry for being late, for not being by your side on your final day. If I could turn back time, I would be holding your hand and petting your head, telling you my mere-today story. Don’t you miss it when I told you messed up narratives? You would be rolling your eyes and going back to sleep.
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| You were sleeping somewhere here |
Gemoy, I met your mom and brothers. Your mom is still quiet. She always accompanies me during my short stay. Your brothers are quarelling one another. One time Play scratched and bit my hands when I was trying to stop him and Kemayu fighting. But apparently he added more permanent tattoos to both my hands!
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| Look what your brother did to me, Moy! |
Gemoy, I may look thinner. I lost 17 pounds since the last time you saw me. I often threw up after eating, first because I did not like the food and second because I was stressed thinking of you. I may lose weight in the next couple of months, but hopefully I can get over this lost appetite. The good news is that I gained two more pounds so far. Don’t you worry Moy, I am still healthy and strong, just like you. I am not shy anymore. I have some plans that I will execute within the next 10 months. I want to live my life, Moy. Free from others’ nosy comments. Right Moy, I am still sharp-tongued just like before. Haha. See Moy, I am even laughing right now. I hope you were entertained.
Tomorrow I will be back to study, to Tucson. I hope you don’t mind if I leave you one more time. I am still taking care of your mother and brothers. I will see you next year. Spring is just around the corner. I will see you soon :)
Yogyakarta, August 2022
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